How to stay close to your child in the RCW or ICC

Why the relationship matters most

People rarely leave a church because someone proved them wrong. They leave when their own questions grow, and when they know they have somewhere to land. Your relationship is that landing place. Everything below is about protecting it.

There is a second reason. New members are often told to expect opposition from family, and sometimes that it is a sign they are on the right path. Every angry phone call can confirm that warning. Every warm one quietly challenges it.

If you pray, the verses below may help you hold steady along the way.

What helps

1. Keep contact regular and ordinary. A text about a TV show you both like. A photo of the dog. Small, steady contact says "you belong here" without saying it.
2. Ask questions you really want answered. "What do you like most about it?" "What does a normal week look like?" "Who are your closest friends there?" Listen without correcting. "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6).
3. Remind them of who they are. Mention their old interests, their gifts, the people who love them. Members are taught, in many ways, to see their life before church as worthless, often with verses taken out of context, such as Paul calling his former life "rubbish" (Philippians 3:8). You can gently hold the rest of their story.
4. Show up when invited, if you can. Going to a service or a dinner shows respect, and lets you see for yourself. You don't have to agree with anything to be present.
5. Keep a simple promise, out loud. "Whatever happens, you can always come home. No questions, no 'I told you so.'" Say it once, mean it, and let your actions repeat it. Jesus told of a father who, "while he was still a long way off," saw his son coming home and "ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him" (Luke 15:20).
6. Take care of yourself. This can go on for months or years. Talk to people you trust. Rest. You will be more help to your child if you are not running on fear. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9). "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18).

What tends to backfire

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1).

1. Ultimatums. "It's us or them" forces a choice, and the church is usually where your child spends most of their time.
2. Mocking their faith. Even if you disagree, belittling what they believe confirms that outsiders don't understand.
3. Flooding them with articles. Sending link after link, including links to this site, can feel like an attack. If you share something, share one thing, once, with no pressure. Our share buttons include a gentle note for exactly this reason.
4. Arguing doctrine early. Debating Scripture in the first months usually turns into a test your child has been prepared for. If you are Christian parents, a better time will come.
5. Using money or tuition as leverage. Threats can push your child closer to the people who will offer to fill the gap. If you have concerns about giving or money, talk about them directly and calmly.
6. Force or deception of any kind. Never try to remove an adult child against their will or trick them into meetings. It is harmful, can be illegal, and destroys trust.

When to get more help

Some situations need more than patience. Reach out to a licensed counselor, ideally one with experience in high-demand groups, if your child:

• stops answering you for long periods, or says they have been told to limit contact,
• leaves school or work suddenly,
• takes on debt or financial strain to give,
• shows signs of depression, anxiety or hopelessness.

If you believe your child is in danger, contact local emergency services. In the U.S. you can call or text 988 at any time.

Common questions

What if my child stops talking to me? Keep the door open anyway. Send short, warm messages that need no reply: a birthday note, a photo, "thinking of you." Many former members say those messages mattered more than they could admit at the time.

Should I go to their church? If you are invited and feel able to, it can help. Go as a guest, be polite, and treat it as a chance to understand your child's world. You are not agreeing to anything by attending.

My child wants to drop out of school for ministry. What do I do? Ask questions first: whose idea it was, what the plan is, what happens if it doesn't work out. Then share your concerns honestly and calmly, once. Ask whether they would be willing to pause the decision for a semester and talk to someone outside the church first.

Is it my fault? No. Thoughtful, loved, intelligent people join these groups every year, often during a season of change like starting university. What matters now is the relationship you keep.

Where can my child turn if they start having doubts? Point them here. If your son or daughter is uneasy and wants to talk with someone outside the church, they can write to us privately, with no real name. Members often carry real fear about leaving, because they have been taught that leaving the church means leaving God. Our article When Is It Right to Leave a Church? walks through what Scripture actually says about it.

Can I write to someone about this? Yes. Write to us and choose "I'm a parent." No real name is needed, messages are never published, and if you leave an email address we will do our best to reply.